My Big Brother
by Jessy-Whitlock
Summary: Bella confides in Emmett and he helps her keep her secret, then open up to others. During Eclipse; AU; B/E. Mention of self harm. Rated M. Was originally a O/S but now continued.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"Bella?" I woke to Emmett's voice. "Hey Bella." He shook my shoulder a bit.

Raising my head I looked around, a little confused. Seeing that I was in the Cullen's living room, I remembered that they had all gone hunting, except Emmett who was staying with me until they came back.

Ever since the Cullen's had left after my birthday and then came back, I felt like I would be abandoned again when they all went hunting together. I never said anything and suffered alone, until Jasper spoke up about feeling how anxious I was once before a hunting trip. After that, Edward made sure I always had a 'Bella sitter' while the rest of the family was gone. This trip, Emmett got stuck with the job.

"Bella what is this?" I looked down to see where his eyes were glued, and I was horrified to see that my shorts had ridden up and my scars were showing. "What happened?" Emmett questioned me.

"It's nothing Emmett," I quickly said, downplaying it as I pulled the blanket back over my legs.

"No Bella, it's not nothing. What happened?" I could see the big brother coming out, and it tore me apart that Emmett might find out what actually happened when they all left me.

I lost myself in my memories.

_Edward and the rest of the family-who I thought were my family-have been gone now for just over a month. I was a walking zombie, Charlie worried constantly about me, and I really didn't want to live anymore. I should have known better than to think I was good enough for them. I was plain old Bella; no one wants me. I was upset with myself that it took me that long to figure that out._

_After being in a depressed state for so long, I finally felt something inside me snap. With it being late at night it was easy for me to walk across the hall to the bathroom without waking Charlie. Closing the door I turned around and searched through the medicine cabinet for my razor refills. Snatching one out of the box, I sat on the toilet with the lid down. Using all my might, I snapped the plastic and pulled a single razor blade out. Pulling my pyjama shorts up around my upper thigh, I brought my hand down and made a quick small cut. Without another thought I did it again and again and again. I watched the blood flow for a minute in a daze. _

_Once I came to my senses, I had a total of 5 small cuts across my upper right thigh. It was odd that my blood wasn't making me sick; any other time I would be on the verge of passing out. Instead, I wanted to see more. I wanted to know that I was still alive. I wanted to feel like I was the one in control of my pain for once. I wanted to know that my blood could flow and I wouldn't be in danger of being bitten. I didn't blame Jasper in any way for what happened at my birthday, but nonetheless, it was a comfort that I could bleed and not fear for my life._

_Rising from the toilet I searched the cabinet once again for bandages. After cleaning the blood up and bandaging my leg, I cleaned and wrapped the blade and brought it back to my room, stashing it in my bedside table drawer. I knew that this wouldn't be a onetime thing._

"Bella please," Emmett begged, almost to the point of crying, or as close to crying as a vampire could get. "Please tell me what happened."

At first I resolved not to say a word about that time in my life, but Emmett's heartbroken face tore into my carefully built wall around my emotions. Suddenly lunging toward Emmett, I wrapped my arms around him and started crying. As the sobs continued, Emmett gathered me on his lap and rocked me.

"It'll be okay. I'm not leaving you, I'll keep you safe." I did feel safe in my big brothers arms, but I was still ashamed to admit what I had done.

I don't know how long we sat there, until the tears finally stopped, and I could speak without a tremble in my voice.

"Emmett, this is so hard to tell someone, let alone say out loud. I don't even know what to say or where to start." I spoke in a low voice.

"Bells just start at the beginning. Take all the time you need, I'm not leaving."

We sat in silence, Emmett comforting me for a good 5 minutes. Finally I worked up the courage to start.

"Emmett when you guys left I did stuff I'm not proud of," I whispered. "I felt so numb and so alone, that I was like a zombie for the first month after you left. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even feel human anymore." I paused and took a breath.

"One night, it was like I snapped. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the bathroom cutting my leg with a razor blade." I kept my head on his shoulder so I wouldn't have to see his face. Unfortunately, that wasn't what he wanted. He moved my head up so I would have to look him in the eye, and I saw how broken those words made him.

"Bella, you could have killed yourself. What were you thinking?"

Once again I had tears streaming down my face. "I wasn't Emmett. I just did it and it made me feel pain so I knew I was still alive. It made me feel human again." Shaking my head I looked down. "I don't know how to describe it."

"I'm so sorry. If I knew it would have affected you this badly I would have fought harder to stay. I'm sorry Bella; I let you down."

"No," I looked back up into his eyes. "That wasn't your fault, or anyone else's, but mine. It was my decision to make, my mistake to make."

I hugged him and laid my head on his shoulder. We sat there for a while until he broke the silence.

"Bella, did you only do it that once?"

Taking a deep breath I whispered. "No."

"How many times?"

"Seven. I quit after 2 months."

I was scared. I didn't know what he thought of me anymore, and I didn't know if he would tell the other Cullen's. Then I remembered.

"Shit, Edward's going to read your mind, he's going to find out." I started panicking.

"No no no," Emmett tried to calm me. ""I can keep him out of my head; he won't know unless you want him to. But Bella, I think he should know."

"No please Emmett, you can't tell him. He can't know. He'll flip out." I begged.

He stared at me for a few minutes, then let out a large breath. "Fine, I won't tell him, but eventually you'll have to tell him or he'll find out himself."

"I know," I nodded. "But I still need time."

"Alright." He pulled me to him and hugged me. "If you need help telling him, or if you ever feel like you have to resort to that again, please let me know. You're my little sister Bells, I'm supposed to protect you. And I will, even if it's from yourself."

As tears rolled down my damp cheeks, I held onto Emmett's strong shoulders. I knew he would help me, and that he would always be there for me. With that revelation, I drifted off to sleep in his arms, emotionally exhausted from the purging of my past, and content that I was under my big brother's protection.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Alright, so this was originally a one shot, but I was asked to continue, so I am. I don't know how long it will be, or really where it will go. I'm just writing as ideas come to me :) I hope you enjoy, and any feedback is appreciated. This story does not have a beta, so all mistakes are mine.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight, only the plot is my brainchild.**

**CHAPTER 2**

After falling asleep once again, I was awoken by the arrival of the rest of the Cullen family. Immediately sitting up, I noticed Emmett had tucked the blanket in around me so no one would be able to see my legs. Grateful, I turned and gave him a smile.

"Hey Bella, did you want to go up to our room so you can get more sleep?" Edward asked after coming over and kissing my head. "It's not even 5:30 yet, so we have a couple hours before we have to get ready for school."

"Yeah, okay. That sounds good." As I stood up I pretended to be cold as I kept the blanket wrapped around me. I now realized how careless I was in wearing shorts to sleep in since they could ride up in my tossing and turning.

"Bella sweetie, are you cold?" this came from Esme. "Edward, grab a couple more blankets from the hall closet."

Nodding, he led me up the staircase. As we passed the closet, Edward grabbed blankets faster than I could blink. Finally making our way to his room, I grabbed a pair of pyjama pants and went to the bathroom to change. Coming back, I made myself comfortable on the bed, cuddled up next to Edward.

"Bella love, wake up so you can get ready for school."

Groaning, I pushed my face into my pillow, blocking the light. "Mmmph, 5 more minutes."

Edward chuckled. "Bella, it's a quarter after 7, you have to get up, my love."

Slowly raising my head, I eyed Edward. Of course he was already showered, dressed, and looked like my own personal Adonis.

With one last groan I rolled out of bed. Well, not technically; Emmett would have a field day with that. Speaking of Emmett, I wondered how he was holding up with the news I threw at him last night.

"Bella come on, Esme already started on your breakfast."

"Alright Edward, I'm going."

Quickly showering, I dressed and grabbed my school things before making my way down to the kitchen. There, Esme had a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast.

"Wow Esme, this is great. Thanks."

"No problem sweetie. You know I love cooking for you." She smiled.

Edward sat beside me at the breakfast bar as I dug in. I really was lucky to have this family. They loved me, and even Rosalie and I were making progress since they came back. Finishing up, Edward and I along with the rest of the Cullen kids gathered our backpacks and headed out the door.

School was a lot easier since the Cullen's came back. I wasn't forced to talk to other people who were so superficial, like Lauren. Ugh, I could not stand her. I love having my family with me, and I now each of my classes had at least one Cullen. I had History with Jasper and Alice, English with Rosalie, Phys. Ed and Psychology with Emmett, Biology with Edward, and Math with Edward and Alice. It was almost like they were constantly in protection mode or something at school, and I would never admit it but I liked how much they cared about me to do this.

Getting through the first three classes, I was glad for lunch to arrive. It signaled the end of Phys Ed for another day, and the fact that I could spend almost the remainder of the day with Edward. Walking into the cafeteria with Emmett, we made our way over to our table where Edward already had a tray of food for me. Digging in to the pizza and lemonade, I relaxed as conversation flowed around me. Not paying attention, I didn't notice someone was asking me a question until all I heard was quiet.

"What's up?"

"Bella, are you alright? You were zoned right out." Alice commented.

"Yeah, I'm good. Sorry." I could see Emmett eyeing me, and I could tell that he was watching to see if I was lying. Not surprising. This is exactly why I didn't want anyone to know about my little cutting problem. I hated being watched like a cornered animal, like he expected me to strike out at someone or myself. Mentally shaking off those thoughts, I gave Em a smile. The last thing I needed was for Jasper to pick up on my emotions and suspect something.

"Alright, if you're sure." Alice didn't sound convinced.

"Alice, really I'm fine. Gym just tired me out I guess."

That comment lead to Emmett bragging about how he blocked all the balls in Gym today and how he was the best soccer goalie. Fine by me, he just helped take the attention off me. Thank you, Emmett.

As lunch came to an end, we stood, threw out our garbage- or I threw out my garbage and they tossed their uneaten meals-and headed out to our next class. Emmett walked me to my locker then on to psychology.

"Are you sure you're alright Bells? This isn't anything to do with what we talked about last night?" he asked quietly.

"No Em, really. I'm just tired."

"Alright. But I was serious last night when I said you can talk to me about anything. I worry about you." He gave a sideways hug.

"Emmett, there's nothing to worry about. Like I said, I haven't done it in months."

"That doesn't change anything. I still worry about you. You're human and that means you can get hurt or sick and I can't do anything to stop or fix it. You're also family and that means we watch over each other and keep one another safe. It's part of my instinct to worry about you."

Wow, I don't think I had ever heard anything so profound come out of Emmett's mouth.

"Thanks Em. I love you. You really are the big brother I never had. But I'm serious; try to keep the worrying down a notch. All it will do is give you a wrinkled forehead." I joked.

Emmett laughed loudly as we arrived at our classroom.

Once we took our seats, Mr. Randall started teaching. "About 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men will suffer from depression at some point in life. Almost 1.5 million Americans have serious depression at any given time, but less than one-third of these people seek medical help. Class, today we will start looking at depression and the human mind."

_Well, fuck me._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So I'm really excited that I have a pre-reader now! Thank you xxxKittyMasenxxx :D Alright, squealing moment is over, now on with story!**

**Disclaimer: I in no way own the characters, they belong to Stephenie Meyer. All I can claim is the plot.**

**CHAPTER 3**

I could feel Emmett's gaze, and I could only imagine what was going through his head.

"...Depression is a medical condition characterized by long-lasting feelings of intense sadness and hopelessness. It is usually associated with other mental and physical changes. There are different causes, or triggers, of depression; anything from it simply being hereditary to a major event or loss.

"Now, I would like you to pair up with the person beside you and make a list of symptoms and treatments that are explained on pages 94 and 95."

While he finishes his opening spiel, I stare at the top of my desk trying to avoid Emmett's eyes. This was possibly the worst luck I have ever had. What had I done for karma to fuck me over this bad?

"Bella," Emmett said softly.

"What Emmett." I ask, just as softly.

He leans in close and speaks as if I'm a spooked animal. Which, in reality, that is exactly what I am. "We'll do the work together okay? This time is just for class work, not me asking you questions or you giving me explanations. If you want to talk after class, we will in private. But I will not bring up your past in a full classroom. Got it?"

Nodding, I sigh in relief. I started feeling ashamed for even thinking he would bring up such a...delicate conversation around people. Feeling my eyes tear up a bit, I quickly rub my eyes and turn to the page in the textbook.

"Alright, I'll read, you write. Symptoms..."

We continued on like that until our lists were done. Afterwards I sat there as Emmett continued reading; I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing at this point. Suddenly, I notice him stiffen. I gave him a questioning look then looked around the room until I could see and hear what had caught his attention. Of course, Lauren Mallory was right in the middle of it. I could hear bits and pieces of their conversation about 'emo's'. Seriously?! GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!

"All they want is attention. It's so stupid." Of course, this came from Lauren.

"Lauren, is there something you would like to share with the class?" Great, now it would turn into a class debate.

"Well Mr. Randall, I saw a part about "self harm" and I was just explaining that cutters are just attention seekers." _Yes, she used air quotes._

"That's not true, Lauren. If you actually took this seriously and read that section, it would explain why people self harm, and that they usually keep it hidden from other people."

"Umm, I don't think so. All they want is for someone to feel sorry for them or pity them. What they need to do is get over themselves. Grow up and deal with it."

The only good thing out of all of this was Emmett and I were sitting in the back so no one noticed when he took my hand under our desks. I gripped his hand as I could feel anxiety wash over me. I knew from experience this was the beginning of a panic attack, and I had no way of getting out of the room.

"Bella, just hold on. We can get out of here in 3 minutes." Emmett murmured as Lauren continued her rant.

Those were the longest 3 minutes of my life. I just barely made it to the end of class, and the bell broke my concentration. Emmett put his arm around my shoulders holding me up as we walked out. Everything around me was a blur; my heart pounded, my breath was panting, my body shook. I could feel a faint breeze, and then I was in someone's arms with the air whooshing by. We eventually stopped and I noticed that the arms around me were cold and hard.

Time passed, but I couldn't tell you how much.

The panic gradually subsided, my heart rate returned to normal, my breathing slowed, and my body was reduced to a slight tremble.

I looked up into the face of Emmett, the pained face of my brother. _My big brother never left me._

"Emmett, I'm sorry-"

"Hey hey hey. No apologies, okay? I wanted to be here for you, we're family." He nudged me and smile.

Leaning back into his chest, I relaxed.

"Are you okay now?"

"Yeah. I'm just a little tired. A panic attack usually drains me."

"Do you want to go up and lay down?"

It was that comment that made me finally aware of our surroundings. Emmett had brought me back to the Cullen house and we were downstairs in the basement den where we would have privacy if anyone came home. Luckily Carlisle was at work and Esme was in Port Angeles for the day.

"Um, sure." He helped me stand and we started up the stairs. "What time is it?"

"1:30. Edward, Alice, Jasper and Rose won't be home for another hour and a half. Oh, Edward texted me. They all heard us leave, but I told them you weren't feeling well so I brought you home since I was with you already."

"Thanks Emmett. I don't know what I'd do without you. You really are my big brother." I smiled at him.

"Aw shucks..." Shaking my head at him, he walked me up to Edward's room.

"Get some rest okay? I'll take care of everyone when they come home. They won't bother you."

"Okay. Edward can come up though. He'll probably want to check on me."

"If you're sure, Bells."

"Yeah. Thanks again." I hugged him.

"Alright, I'll just be downstairs. If you need anything just say my name."

With that, he turned around and left.

Changing into a pair of yoga pants and a sweater, I crawled under the sheets. Not long after, I drifted off into a deep sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I would just like to thank the lovely people who have followed, favourited, and reviewed. You have no idea how exciting it is for me to see that! Also a huge thanks to my pre-reader xxxkittymasenxxx who gets the chapters back to me super fast! Couldn't do it without you :)**

**Disclaimer: I dont own the characters, Stephenie Meyer does unfortunately. But at least I get to play with them.**

**CHAPTER 4**

Gradually I came back to the land of the living and felt oddly restful for the first time in a couple days. Slowly opening my eyes I was surprised to find Edward beside me. Not only was he lying on the bed with me, but I was using him as a pillow.

His eyes showed concern and love for me; I could only imagine what he would feel after he found out what I had done. I knew deep down I needed to tell him about my past, but I was scared shitless.

"Edward." I whispered sleepily.

"Hey love. How are you feeling?" he gently squeezed me in his arms.

"Better. Emmett didn't want to bother you so he just brought me home."

"Bella, you're my life. If it involves you, I won't be bothered. I love you and I always want to know what is going on with you. Having said that, I'm glad he was able to bring you home."

"Yeah, it was nice to spend some time with him before I fell asleep." I looked out the window to see that it was starting to get dark. "What time is it?"

"5:30. Are you hungry? Esme came home about a half hour ago and I think she has dinner ready for you."

"Holy crap, I slept for four hours? Sorry." I rolled out of bed.

"No need to apologize, beautiful. You obviously needed your sleep. I'll wait for you out here and walk you down."

"Alright." I nodded.

Getting a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt, I went to the bathroom to change. Before pulling my jeans all the way up, I ran a hand along the top of one of my thighs. No matter how much time passed, I would always have these scars, this reminder of what I had resorted to. I wondered if I would also always have this urge to go back to my razors. Shaking my head and sighing, I finished dressing, ran a brush through my hair, and went back to Edward.

Putting my hand in his, we walked down the stairs. Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rose were all in the living room. It looked like the girls were sitting and going through fashion magazines while the guys were playing a battle game on the Xbox. We walked into the kitchen to find Esme.

"Bella dear, have a seat." We sat at the breakfast nook as she put a plate of food in front of me.

"Thanks, this looks delicious." I dug in to the lasagna as Edward and Esme talked.

"Is Carlisle still at work?" Edward asked.

"Yes. The hospital asked if he could work the clinic for a few hours. I think he'll be home by 8."

"Ah, I see. So how was Port Angeles?"

"It was good. I found some new curtains and paint. I want to redecorate the downstairs bathroom."

Leave it to Esme to go all out on a room that was barely used. The conversation continued until I finished up. Taking my plate to the sink I washed it. I had finally gotten Esme to agree to let me wash the dishes I used; I hated being waited on hand and foot, and I wanted to pull my weight around the house as long as I was there. Not that I could do much, unfortunately.

We made our way back to the others and Edward and I made ourselves comfortable on the couch in the corner of the room, as the activity continued around us. I snuggled up to Edward after he wrapped me up with a blanket. Alice and Rose were still going through magazines and talking. Better them than me; I could only handle so much fashion, that and shopping are definitely not my forte. Jasper and Emmett had changed games and they were playing a James Bond game now as they yelled and laughed with each other. I loved being surrounded by the family and laid back and enjoyed the noise and activity.

Glancing at Emmett I could see his eyes boring into mine. His face was tight with tension, and I could tell he wanted to know if I was okay. Giving him a nod and a slight smile, he relaxed and went back to the game. It seemed like no one noticed our little interaction, which I was grateful for. The last thing I wanted or needed was for people to get suspicious that something was wrong, and then the interrogations would start.

"Oh Bella," Alice interrupted my musings. "I spoke with Charlie and he said you could stay here until Monday."

I was staying with the Cullen's at first because Charlie had been in Seattle on a training course. He had come back today, but I guess with today being Friday, Alice had talked him into yet another weekend sleepover. Not that she had to really talk him into anything; Charlie loved her.

"Okay, that sounds great Alice." I smiled at her.

"So I was thinking, we should totally go on a shopping spree tomorrow! I haven't taken you shopping in forever!" she squealed. _Oh no._

"Alice," Edward growled. "I was planning on being with Bella this weekend. _Without _shopping" he emphasized.

"But Edward," she whined. "I want to go out with Bella. You are always with her."

This was ridiculous. I had vampires fighting over who could spend time with me.

"Alice," I started. "You know how I feel about shopping. I love you, but I really don't want to go. Please."

She huffed. "Bella, it's already the end of October and you need a winter wardrobe."

"I have a winter wardrobe, Alice. The one you dragged me through Port Angeles for last year is still in my closet."

"Please Bella. Just for a few hours." She pouted.

By this time the guys paused the game to see what would happen. They all knew how I felt about shopping, but they also knew that Alice almost always got her way.

Looking at Edward, I saw defeat in his face and realized there was no way I was going to get out of this. Sighing, I looked back at Alice.

"Fine, but only for a few hours, and you don't buy anything for me. I have my own money."

"Yay!" she squealed.

The guys laughed and returned to the game. I even thought I heard the word "sucker" mumbled from Jaspers lips.

Carlisle finally came home from the hospital around 8:15, and made a bee line straight to Esme for a passionate kiss. They we so cute together; you could tell their love was strong. All of the Cullen couples adored each other, would do anything for their partner. I knew Edward and I had a strong connection with each other, I could only hope that years down the road he still felt the same.

After a while, I said my goodnights to everyone and went upstairs to get ready for bed. Edward was already in his room when I came back, stretched out on the bed waiting for me. Climbing under the covers, I curled up against him.

"I really don't want to go shopping tomorrow." I mumbled.

He laughed. "At least it won't be for long. Since Emmett didn't go hunting with us, Jasper and I'll go out with him tomorrow while you girls are gone. Then we can spend Sunday together. How does that sound?"

"Good." I kissed his chest where my head was laying. "I still wish I was spending tomorrow with you though."

"So do I, sweet girl. But, Alice gets what she wants." I loved when he pulled out the adorable pet names.

Yawning, I felt fatigue wash over me. "Ugh, I don't know why I'm so tired."

"Go to sleep, love. I'm sure Alice will have you up bright and early tomorrow."

I shifted on his chest and moulded myself to him. "Good night Edward. I love you."

"I love you too, Bella."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Another chapter is up! I am so excited and thankful to everyone who has read, reviewed, favourited, and followed. As always, thank you to my pre-reader, the lovely xxxkittymasenxxx. Love ya girlie! **

**Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, except for my plot :)**

**CHAPTER 5**

"Bella love, wake up."

Groaning, I buried my face in Edward's chest.

"Sweetheart, Alice is about to break down the door. Do you want me to tell her you can't go out today because you don't feel well?"

I looked up at him questionably.

"I know you didn't have a restful night. You were tense, fidgety, and I could hear your heart racing all night."

Unfortunately he told the truth. Ugh, sometimes it sucked dating a vampire.

It was a good thing I had a restful nap yesterday, my sleep last night sucked. All night I dreamt about how the family would react when they found out about my depression and cutting. I just knew they are going to be appalled and my biggest fear is that Edward won't want to be with me anymore. It scared me, but at the same time it made me want to harm myself. It just confused and upset me the more I thought about it.

I was so tired and didn't know if I wanted to try to go back to sleep and face another nightmare, or just lay there and try to relax. All I did know was that there was no way I would be able to tolerate any shopping today.

"Yeah, can you please let her know?"

"Of course." I lifted my head so he could get off the bed. "Do you want me to bring up some breakfast for you?"

I shook my head.

"Okay, I'll be right back." He leaned down and gently kissed my lips.

Once he closed the door I flipped over facing away from the door and snuggled up in the blankets. I was really hoping Edward would leave me by myself for a while. I knew from experience there was nothing I could do to get me out of this mood after I had a bad night, and there was no point in bringing down Edward or anyone else with me. He returned as I was contemplating going back to my house for a while so I could be alone.

"Hey. Do you want to talk about last night?" he whispered softly as he sat on the bed in front of me.

Shaking my head, I whispered. "No, I'm fine."

Reaching around, he rubbed my back. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Yeah, I know. I don't even remember my dreams." I lie.

He looks at me dubiously. "Alright. Do you want to go downstairs? Or do you want to rest a while?"

"I'm going to see if I can get some sleep. You go ahead down and hang out. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" he questioned.

"Positive." I leaned up and gave him a kiss on the lips. "I love you. Go have fun."

"Alright." He kissed me once more. "Just say my name if you need anything, okay? I love you too."

After he left my mind focused on my dreams last night and my fears. _What would happen if he left me again?_ I knew I wouldn't be able to survive it twice. Edward would find out about it eventually though. I know I'm not going to be able to hide the scars forever. I was terrified and could feel my body starting to lose control. _NO! I couldn't have another panic attack! Not with the whole family in the house. Just breathe, Bella! Breathe._

Finally gaining control on my thoughts and my body's reaction I was able to calm down a bit.

The bedroom door opened, startling me. Whipping around I saw a concerned Edward.

"Bella, are you alright? Jasper said you were feeling anxious."

Damn! How could I forget?

"I'm fine Edward, really. I guess I'm just emotional today. "

He studied me; almost like he was making sure I was telling the truth. "Well, do you want me to stay up here with you? Or do you want to be left alone?"

"I just want to be left alone for a while. Go have fun Edward. Seriously, I'll call you if I need you. I promise." I smiled to soften the blow that I didn't want him here.

Nodding, he turned and left.

Not five minutes later the door opened once again, only to reveal Emmett this time. He walked over and sat on the bed.

"How ya doin, Bells?"

I shrugged. Emmett was the one person in this house I didn't have to hide from anymore, but I was still worried that the rest of the family would overhear our conversation. He could tell what my fears were.

"Don't worry, no one's here. The girls went shopping with Esme, Carlisle's at work, and Edward and Jasper went for a walk. Bells, Edward is really worried about you. He's out talking to Jasper because Jay picked up on quite a few emotions this morning."

Oh, shit. I don't need this right now.

"So what happened this morning? Why were you so anxious?"

I sighed. "I had nightmares all night so I didn't sleep well. That's why I didn't go shopping. This morning I couldn't stop thinking about my dreams. I almost had a panic attack."

I sat up and leaned back on the headboard. Emmett shifted so he sat beside me.

"Bells, I think you should tell him soon. This is obviously getting to you, and if he knows, that's someone else who can help you."

I could feel my heartbeat increase. "Emmett, I can't. He'll leave me and I can't go through that again! I'll lose all of you!" My eyes started to tear up and Emmett turned me so we were facing each other.

"Bells look at me. He won't leave you. The family won't leave you. We love you and we wouldn't hurt you like that again. He might be upset that you resorted to that, but he will be more upset with himself that he couldn't stop it. Believe me, there is nothing in this world that could separate you two now that you're back together."

I knew where Emmett was coming from, but I was still scared. I didn't know if I could do this.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hello again lovelies! Here's another update for ya! As always, thanks to everyone who reads, reviews, etc...**

**Thank you xxxKittyMasenxxx, love ya babe! You make my words pretty :)**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own an active imagination. Enjoy!**

**CHAPTER 6**

I finally got out of bed and got dressed around 10am. My nerves were still too raw for me to eat anything and keep it down, so I resigned myself to sit with Emmett in the living room. He could feel how much I needed my protector, and just sat beside me with his arm around me.

Every once in a while I would reach up and wipe a tear away. I knew I had to tell Edward. I couldn't keep flipping back and forth, tell him or not tell him. And I knew it had to happen today, consequences be damned. At least this time I knew I had one Cullen in my corner.

The two of us sat in silence for a good hour before Jasper and Edward strolled through the door. They immediately saw us, and Edward rushed over and knelt in front of me.

"Bella what's wrong? Please tell me love, I know you're upset." He held my hands in his.

Well, it was now or never.

"Edward, I need to talk to you." I spoke so softly, if he wasn't a vampire I doubted he would have been able to hear me.

Emmett rose off the couch and left, taking Jasper with him. Patting the seat next to me, Edward sat where Emmett had just vacated.

"I don't know where to start. I'm terrified of what you'll think of me." I still hadn't found the strength to look him in the eye.

"Hey," he lifted my chin gently. "No matter what you say to me, I will always love you Bella. You are my life. Whatever it is, I will help you."

I couldn't say anything for a few minutes as I gathered courage and pushed down the tears. He wrapped himself around me like he was protecting me from all the evils of the world, and just held me until I could finally speak.

"Edward, I...I did something after you and your family left. And I'm so sorry." I broke off in a sob. Taking a few deep breaths, I continued. "After you left, I was depressed, and numb. I just wanted to feel alive and in control." The tears poured down relentlessly now.

"What did you do, Bella?" his voice sounded pained.

Closing my eyes, I finally whispered my secret to him. "I cut myself."

After what felt like an eternity, but in reality was about half a minute, Edward spoke. "Bella open your eyes. Sweetheart, please look at me."

Slowly, so slowly, I opened my eyes and lifted my gaze to his. If he was capable of crying, he would have been crying now. It broke my heart that I did this to him.

"Bella why?" his voice cracked.

"I don't know Edward." I sobbed. "I needed to feel alive, and seeing myself bleed showed that I was. It was something I did to help with the numbness and pain. I was so confused and heartbroken. I knew I wasn't good enough for you so I punished myself for even thinking that." It seemed like the words tumbled out of my mouth on their own accord.

Edward held me tightly and I could feel him shaking crying. Faintly, I could hear him chanting something. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

We stayed in each other's arms until my sobs subsided. Eventually pulling away, I dried my tears and we looked at each other.

"I'm so sorry, love. If I knew our leaving would have affected you so aversely, I never would have left. I love you so much Bella and you are my entire world. It is me that doesn't deserve you."

Shaking my head grabbed his hand. "No Edward, don't say that. Just tell me you don't hate me." That fear was still in the front of my mind.

"There is no way in heaven or hell that I could hate you, my Bella."

He leaned in and kissed my forehead. Breathing a sigh of relief, we reclined until we were laying side by side on the big couch.

"I just have a couple questions." He spoke softly.

Nodding, I encouraged him to continue.

"How often did you resort to harming yourself? Do you still do it? Because I never smell blood on you."

"I did it seven times. I don't do it anymore. I stopped after two months."

"Do you ever think about it?"

This was another hard thing to confess. "Every day." I whispered.

"If you ever feel the need to, will you tell me? I don't want you going through this alone."

Nodding, I hoped he was done with the questions. And to my relief, it seemed like he was, for the time being.

Emotionally exhausted, I dozed for a while until Edward spoke again.

"What was wrong this morning?"

Pulling myself from the light sleep I had started to drift towards, I replied sleepily. "I had nightmares of you and the family leaving me again if I told you. I couldn't stop thinking about it this morning and almost had a panic attack."

"Are those common for you?"

"It seems like they are recently. I can't shake them."

"Would you consider letting Carlisle know about the attacks to see if he can help?"

Dread filled my stomach. "I can't Edward. I need to work up to telling someone else, please. I can't do it yet."

He said nothing for a minute before nodding. "Fine, but if it gets worse I think you should tell him."

Ugh, it seemed like I constantly had to reveal my secrets to some one new.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Alright lovelies, hope you like this one! Thank you, as always, xxxKittyMasenxxx, love ya to bits!**

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer. I just play with her characters :)**

**CHAPTER 7**

Edward and I cuddled on the couch and just hung out. After a while I got curious.

"So where did Emmett and Jasper disappear to?"

"Hunting. Emmett needed to go since he stayed with you the other night."

Oh, that explains it.

Edward continued. "Are you ready for lunch? It's almost noon."

Now that my nerves were calm, I was actually very hungry.

We made our way to the kitchen, where Edward sat me at the breakfast nook and made me a lunch of grilled cheese. Once I had finished and washed the dishes, we decided to go outside and walk around the backyard. I was starting to get cabin fever and needed to get some fresh air.

"How are feeling now, love?"

"I'm good Edward." I smiled up at him.

"Well it's nice to see a smile on your face." He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss. "So, what would you like to do tomorrow?"

"I don't know. Should I go shopping with Alice and Rose, even though they went today? I feel bad for blowing them off."

"Bella, you didn't blow them off. You weren't feeling up to it, there's a difference."

"I still feel bad." I shrug.

"Well don't. They understood." He assured. "Come here, there's something I want you to see."

He led me to the back corner of the yard. There wasn't anything out here so I was confused, to say the least. What confused me even more was the way he had me standing with my back to the woods; there wasn't anything in the yard that I hadn't already seen. Oh well, I would wait to see where this was going.

"Isabella." I heard a deep voice behind me.

I turned around and- "HOLY SHIT!"

I jumped and went to run but fell on my ass.

"Bella! It's okay!" Edward laughed.

How could he laugh?! There was a huge fucking bear standing on his hind legs in the yard! Scrambling on my hands and knees, I finally made it to my feet and hid behind Edward; I knew if there was anyone who could protect me from a bear, it would be him. They were a food source for him, for god's sake!

Taking another look at the bear, I could see hands around the bear's paws. _Wait a minute. _Straightening up I stepped from behind Edward to stand beside him.

"What the hell?" I muttered.

The bear suddenly dropped to show Emmett's face. Oh god, he was going to die.

"Emmett!" I charged at him. He laughed as I chased him around the yard. Edward and Jasper just stood and watched us, amusement filling their faces. Emmett finally stopped leaned down putting his hands on his knees. I jumped on his back and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"You are such a shit!" I giggled.

"You should have seen your face!" he boomed. Yeah, he was having too much fun with this.

"Whatever, I will get you back for this. I don't know when and I don't know how, but someday, when you're least expecting it, I will get you back." I threatened while I grinned at him.

"Oh Emmett, you better watch your back!" Jasper said, laughter filling his voice. "Our little Bells will find a way to whoop your ass!"

Ah, Jasper. I was glad we got over our differences after my birthday. I never blamed him in the least, and I was happy to call him my brother.

"Come on you crazies, let's go." Edward suggested.

Walking back to the house, with me still on Emmett's back, we all went in the living room and the guys decided to put a movie on.

"I still can't believe you were in on that." I sat down on Edward's lap after Emmett let me down.

He chuckled. "I'm sorry sweetheart, Emmett told me about it and I couldn't resist." He hugged me.

I shook my head. "Ganging up on the human, I wonder what Esme would think about it." I was smiling though so they knew I wasn't serious.

"What would I think about what?"

"Holy fu-udge," I jumped and saw Esme in the doorway, along with Alice and Rose. "Hi Esme."

She smiled and shook her head. Yeah, I hadn't fooled her with the quick change in words.

"What would I think about what, Bella?" she questioned.

"Oh guys, you missed it." Jasper informed. "Emmett scared the crap out of Bella."

"Hey! I thought you were on my side." I pouted teasingly.

"Emmett, what did you do." This came from Rose.

"Oh nothing," there was no way he could take the silly grin off his face.

"Yeah, it was nothing." I said sarcastically. "I only turned around to see a freaking _bear_ behind me!"

"Emmett!" Rose yelled. "What the hell?"

"Rosalie, language," Esme admonished. "Really Emmett?"

"Esme, it's fine." I was still smiling.

In truth, there was no way I was mad at the guys. Actually I was quite impressed with the whole plan. I mean, only Emmett could come up with something like that.

"Once my heart was out of my throat and started beating again, it was funny."

"Bells, I don't know how to tell you this, but your heart stays in your chest. Last I heard, it can't float." Emmett teased.

Well, I didn't really know what to say to that. Esme shook her head at our antics and left. "Bella, dinner will be ready around 5." She called over her shoulder.

"Okay, thanks!"

Alice and Rose took their bags upstairs and were back in the room in record time. What was I talking about; for vampires it was normal time.

"So Bella," Alice flopped down beside Edward and I. "You feeling better?"

I nodded. "Yeah Alice. Sorry I had to bail today."

"No worries. We can go anytime." She shrugged. I was surprised. Alice took her shopping seriously, and she took taking me shopping just as serious. So why was she going so easy on me?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Here you go lovelies! Thanks for the continued support and great reviews :)**

**Thank you xxxKittyMasenxxx, you're awesome!**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer...**

**CHAPTER 8**

Us 'kids' hung out in the living room and we finally got around to watching that movie, which turned out to be Ghost Rider.

"This movie is so stupid." Surprise surprise, that came from Rosalie.

"Sorry Rose, I was a little outnumbered when they picked it out." I stated.

"Oh well, after this we can watch a chick flick." She smirked.

"Nnooooo!" Emmett moaned. I laughed along with the girls, while Edward and Jasper pouted with Emmett. Those boys could be such babies it wasn't funny.

"So Rose, where did you guys end up going today?" I asked.

Not only had my relationship with Jasper improved since the family came back, but so had my relationship with Rose. I was unbelievably lucky to be a part of this family, and to go from an only child to having 2 brothers and sisters.

"We just went to the mall for a bit. Alice saw the sun coming out so we couldn't stay as long as we wanted to. We missed having you there, Bella." I smiled; it made me happy to hear that from Rose.

"We'll have to make plans again. Even though I don't like shopping, as you well know, it'll be nice to spend some time with you guys."

"Absolutely Bella! Yay, I can't wait!" Alice broke in which made me roll my eyes.

"Alice, you seriously have way too much energy." I say. I don't think I could ever get used to it. Seriously, the amount of energy she possessed could make a comatose patient run a marathon.

"Whatever Bella. So when are we going shopping?" She practically vibrated.

"I don't know." I shrugged then leaned back against Edward.

"Well, how about we go tomorrow since you spent today with Edward?"

As much as I didn't really want to spend tomorrow shopping, I felt like I owed to them.

"Sure, that sounds fine." I agreed.

"Sweet, I have to get you an outfit for tomorrow!" And with that, Alice rushed off, presumably upstairs. I turned to Jasper.

"How the hell do you live with her energy?"

"I HEARD THAT!" Damn vampire hearing. Edward and Jasper laughed, Rose rolled her eyes, and Emmett never turned from the TV.

I decided to get up and go sit with Rose, have some sister time. "Are you going with us tomorrow?"

"If you want me to." Even though we had mended the fence and gotten over our differences, I think she still felt like I didn't like her because of the way she used to treat me. The way I saw it, everything was in the past. She was my sister and friend now and there was nothing that would change that.

"Of course I want you to. What about Esme?"

"Probably not. Carlisle is off tomorrow so they'll probably spend the day together."

"Well the three of us will have fun." I smiled.

Alice chose that moment to re-enter the room. "Of course we will."

She sat beside on the other side of me and the girl talk continued until Carlisle came home from the hospital.

"Good afternoon. How's it going?"

We all answered back, the general consensus being 'good'.

"Bella, Esme wanted me to tell you that dinner is almost ready."

"Okay, thank you Carlisle." Standing up I went to go wash up and eat. Not surprisingly, Edward followed. While washing my hands, Edward stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Hey, are you still feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Turning in his arms until I faced him I put my hands on either side of his face. "Edward, if I'm not fine, I will tell you."

Even as I said it though, I couldn't find it in myself to believe it. I doubt I would ever get to the point I was at before, but I knew that if I got upset about something I would most likely keep it to myself. It was just the way I was. But no matter how much I didn't believe it, I had to make sure Edward believed it.

"I promise." Forcing a smile, I loosened his hold on me and held his hand as we walked to the kitchen.

Esme and Carlisle greeted us. I noticed Carlisle had already changed out of his work clothes as we sat down.

"So Bella, I hear you had some excitement today." He smirked.

"Yeah," I drawled. "You have quite the sons, Carlisle."

"You have no idea," he shook his head, chuckling.

Esme spoke up. "I heard you girls making plans for tomorrow. You feel well enough to go out?"

"Yeah, I'm fine Esme."

"Were you sick?" Carlisle had gone to work before all the crap this morning so he never knew I bailed on the shopping trip.

"I was just really tired, it was nothing." I assured him. Knowing Carlisle if he thought I was actually sick he would have wanted to give me an exam. Not that I wasn't grateful; sometimes it was nice to have a doctor in the family. But it would also be nice if I wasn't the only one who could get hurt or sick. It sucked to be the only breakable human.

After eating, the four of us joined the rest of the family in the living room. Wow, I never realized how much time we spent in this room.

"Bella, will you please tell them I'm not dumb!" Emmett whined. What the hell had we walked into now?

"Oh Emmy-bear, you're not dumb. You're just special." I grinned as I patted his cheek and everyone had a good chuckle. "So why is Emmett being called dumb?"

Jasper spoke up. "He thought it would be a good idea to go against Alice concerning fashion."

I looked at Emmett. "I revoke my statement; you're dumb."

Giggling at his pouting, we all settled in. I felt my phone vibrate and pulled it out of my pocket. Seeing it was Edward I quirked my eyebrow at him.

_Will you tell Carlisle tonight?_

Now I understood; he didn't want to be overheard by his family, and I appreciated that. But why would he bring it up now?

**_Why?_**

_I was just wondering. Since he's off work tomorrow he could look into things to help._

**_No, he's spending tomorrow with Esme. I don't think I'm ready to tell him yet anyway._**

_Alright, just remember I'm here for you._

"Why are you texting each other?" Emmett butted in our conversation.

"It's called a private conversation, Emmett." Edward told him, slightly exasperated.

Emmett gave me a look, as if to ask if I was okay. I gave a slight nod and smile and he relaxed. He must have sensed that our private conversation held some heavy stuff.

Yeah, no matter how goofy he was, I couldn't deny how much my Emmy-bear cared for me or how much I loved him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**CHAPTER 9**

"Well, I think I am going to head to bed." I stood and stretched.

A round of goodnights sounded out as Edward stood as well.

"Oh, Bella!" Alice piped up. "I laid your clothes out for tomorrow on the bed."

"Thanks. Good night everyone." I tapered off in a yawn.

After getting settled for the night, with me using Edward as a pillow, I ask him about something I've been wondering about.

"Edward, what's up with Alice? Why didn't she hold it against me that I didn't go with them today?"

He sighed. "Jasper told her about the emotions he felt from you this morning. Between that and what she calls 'a feeling she has', I guess she knew you weren't particularly up for anything today."

"A feeling? A feeling about what?"

"I think she senses that something happened around the time you started...harming." He seems reluctant to say anything as if he's afraid I'm going to go off the deep end.

"You can talk about it, I'm not going to freak out," I state.

"I'm sorry love. I just don't want to upset you." He kisses my head.

"I know, and that's exactly why you won't upset me. I know you aren't rubbing it in my face or trying to make me feel bad." I flip over and lean on my elbows so we're face to face. "I love you and I appreciate that you didn't flip out when I told you. I know you weren't expecting me to say anything like that, and you handled it pretty damn well. Thank you for that." I lean forward and kiss his lips.

Laying back down, I finally register what he said before. "So Alice senses something happened? I thought she could only see the future?"

"That's true," he agrees. "But sometimes when it affects someone close to her she sees their past. She hasn't said anything to me about it or thought about it, so I don't think she knows exactly what happened. She just knows it's something you're upset about and that it changed you."

I thought about that. Yeah, it had definitely changed me. Self harming isn't something you just get over, like a pulled tooth. Both the memories and the physical scars stay with you for the rest of your life. And Alice was right; it still upset me that I had turned to that, and the fact that I still think about it constantly didn't sit well with me. Not that I could stop the thoughts and urges; believe me, if I could, I would.

But with all this, I was so fucking glad Alice didn't know what had happened. I knew I didn't have the mental or emotional strength to tell her or anyone else for that matter.

"Well I hope she doesn't pry. I think I'll tell her, I'm just not sure when." I mumble.

"You _think _you'll tell her?" he questions.

I shrug. "I change my mind constantly whether I'll tell her and the family. One minute I've worked up the nerve to probably say something, and the next all I can think of is that there is no way I'm opening my mouth about it to them. So yeah, I think I'll tell her."

"Well, you know I would rather you let Carlisle know, but in the end it's your decision, Bella. I'll help you through either decision, I hope you know that."

I nodded. I really did know Edward was fighting right along with me, and I knew I could depend on him.

A thought popped in my head. "Emmett knows."

"He does?" Edward seemed surprised; I guess Emmett really did know how to keep Edward out of his head.

"Yeah. The night you all went hunting, stupid me wore shorts to sleep in. We hung out downstairs, I fell asleep and next thing I know he woke me up because he saw the scars."

I still couldn't believe how stupid I was to even think I could wear shorts. At the time I was so upset with myself, but now I kind of wondered if it was a blessing in disguise. It brought Emmett and I closer together, and I was finally able to confess to Edward.

"Hmm, he never told me. Well, I'm glad you had him. Emmett's more than the big kid he portrays; underneath it all he's a sensitive protector. Of course if he hears you say he's sensitive there will be hell to pay." He smirks.

Oh I could only imagine. "Ha, I can see that not going over well." I smile as well.

He pulls me closer as the smile fades from his face, and I can feel the atmosphere shift towards a serious mood. "So," he starts. "I love you, and because of that I'm going to be asking you if you are alright a lot. I don't know where you stand with depression or anxiety, and I want to make sure you're okay. You're well-being is important to me."

I guess I'm okay with this as long as he doesn't smother me. But I should clear up where I am regarding...everything.

"Edward I'm slightly depressed. It only affects me sometimes; the main thing is anxiety. Like last night and this morning, that was all anxiety." I shrug.

"Okay. Well you know I'm always here for you, right? We're in this together, forever."

I kiss his jaw. "Yes, I know. I love you." I had to fight to suppress a yawn.

"I love you too. You should get some sleep, sweetheart. I'll be here when you wake." He really was too sweet for words.

"Good night, Edward." closing my eyes, I drifted off in his arms.

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**A/N: There ya go! Thanks again to the readers, reviewers, and supporters.**

**Also a bit thanks to xxxKittyMasenxxx, love ya girlie!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I have to say sorry for the delay guys! But, here it is and hope you enjoy! Thank you xxxKittyMasenxxx for getting it back to me so fast :)**

**Disclaimer: Twilight is all Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 10**

The next morning, I woke up slowly. I must have moved around a bit during the night as I was facing away from Edward, using his arm as a pillow. Flipping over, I looked up at him.

"Good morning gorgeous." He smirks. Yeah, I can only imagine what I look like right now.

"Morning," I grumble back.

He chuckles. "No matter how much rest you get, you are never going to be a morning person, are you?"

"Whatever. You would be tired too if you had to sleep."

This makes him laugh out loud. "Well it's a good thing I don't have to then, isn't it?"

Ugh. Of course I would have to handle a cheeky vampire at...8:30am! Wow, I'm surprised Alice let me sleep this long. And speaking, or technically thinking, of the devil.

"Bella come on! Get up!" Huffing and rolling my eyes, I decide getting out of bed is better than having to deal with a cranky Alice. "And don't forget to wear what I laid out for you."

"Okay, Alice." I say grabbing my clothes and heading to the bathroom. By the time I've showered and gone through my morning routine, Edward has already changed and gone downstairs. Quickly following him, I walk through the house until I reach the kitchen. Grabbing a pack of Poptarts, I toast and lightly butter them.

"B, that's disgusting." I turn around to see Emmett leaning against the doorjamb.

"Whatever Em, I happen to think grizzly bears are gross." I laugh at the look of horror on his face.

"Grizzly's are the best thing out there. Ever!" he practically yells.

"Alright, alright, calm down Emmett." Edward sneaks by him with a grin on his face and makes his way to me. "Alice is freaking out in the living room, are you about ready to go?"

"Yeah, I'll just eat these quick." Walking back through the doorway with Edward, I stop and take a bite of the Poptart in from of Emmett. I giggle when he shudders.

"Bella sweetheart, if it was possible for Emmett to vomit, I'm certain he just would have." Edward sounds highly amused as he informs me of this. Continuing to giggle I walk with Edward up to his room so I can grab my purse when I hear a yell.

"You are evil, Isabella Swan!" This time, Edward laughs with me.

Once the girls join me in the front foyer, we say bye to our men and we're off. I hated to admit it, but I was looking forward to a girl's day.

"So Bella, is there anywhere you want to go in particular?" Rose questions.

"Umm...not that I can think of." I shrug. Usually when I'm looking for new clothes I'm in and out of a store. Ever since I met Alice, that wasn't the case; now she made most of my clothing decisions without my input. It didn't really bother me, but sometimes I just wanted to wear my own clothes and feel like myself. Unfortunately, I knew that wouldn't happen today; this would probably end up being another Bella Barbie day.

"Well there's a new store in the mall I want to check out. I saw some cute things in it yesterday that I think would look great on you." See what I mean? I love her to death, but sometimes she went...shall we say overboard.

"Alice, go easy. She was sick yesterday so let's not push her too hard." Rose muses. I never thought I would say this, but thank god for Rose.

The rest of the way we continued to make small talk. Eventually we parked at the mall and we were on our way to another infamous Cullen shopping spree.

"Alice, when will I ever wear that, seriously." I say for what seems like the umpteenth time.

"But Bella, it's so cute and you could wear it to school." She stands there holding a white, three quarter length sleeve blouse with a thin braided belt along with a pair of high-waist grey dress pants. It was cute, but not me...at all.

I sigh. Knowing I had to pick my battles with this and this was one I wasn't going to win, I let it go. "Fine. I'll try it on."

After the girls deemed it 'so effing cute it wasn't funny', it was thrown on the pile and Alice continued to flit around the store looking for the next best outfit. It didn't take her long. "Rose! Help me find a shirt to go with these."

I look over to find out what I have to endure next to see a pair of dark blue jean short shorts, complete with a brown belt. Fuck. My. Life. I walk over to them protesting the whole way.

"No Alice. I'm not wearing those."

"Bella they're absolutely adorable and you have the body for them. Besides, it's not the first time you've worn short shorts."

"Alice, I said no." My voice has a bit of an edge at this point. I never spoke to Alice like this, and seeing her flinch a little I feel bad. But there is no way in the darkest pit of hell I am wearing anything that will show my scars to the world.

"Okay. I'm sorry Bella." Her voice is small. Well if I didn't feel like shit before, now I do.

"No Ali, I'm the one that should be apologizing. I just really don't want to wear anything that short anymore." I can see a bit of a question in her eyes, but she remains silent.

"Alright," Rose pipes up. "What about this?" she shows us a thin, grey-black long-sleeved shirt.

And the shopping continues.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: What's this, you say? Why yes, it is an update. Sorry I have been slacking on this story, it truly was not my intent.**

**But, I have been working on something else! I am donating a one-shot to Fandom Fights Hurricane Sandy. There's going to be a ton of talented authors, so you are guaranteed some awesome stories if you donate and help with this cause! You can find all the information at the website below, just remove the brackets and spaces :)**

. /

**Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer; I could only hope to have half the amount of talent she has.**

**And as always, thanks xxxKittyMasenxxx for putting up with me!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 11**

"Guys, can we stop so I can eat?" It was just past 12:30 and I was starving.

"Oh sorry, Bella. I didn't even realize the time. Come on." Alice grabs my hand and we start walking towards the food court. At least it seems like she's gotten over me being a bit of an ass to her.

I decided on a sub for lunch, and sat of to the side of the food court with Alice and Rose. The girls discussed where else they had to shop while I ate.

"I really want to go to that new store. There's a nice jacket I think Bella would like." Alice piped up.

Once I finished, we were once again on our way for more shopping. I ended up getting the jacket Alice was gushing about; a black waist-length faux leather zip-up jacket. I had to agree with her on this one, it was gorgeous.

Surprisingly, we finished up shopping and were on our way home before twilight hit. If Alice was human, I would think she was sick.

Back at the house, Edward came to greet me at my car door.

"Hey Bella. Did you have fun?" He gives a little smile.

"Yes, in fact I did have fun." My smile was slightly strained and I knew from Edward's he could tell something was bothering me.

"Come on." He grabbed my bags and led me up to the bedroom. Unloading the bags, I started to put some clothes away in his closet. Ever since they had come back to Forks, I spent so much time with them and at the Cullen house that I had half of my wardrobe in Edward's closet.

"Bella," I turned to see Edward sitting on the bed. Seeing that I couldn't delay any longer, I slowly made my way over to him. Taking a seat, Edward shuffled over so were hip to hip. Sighing, I rested my head on his shoulder and feel his arms encircle me. Right here, right now, I was in my safe place. "Do you want to tell me what's bothering you?"

I sit in silence for a moment before speaking softly. "Alice wanted me to try on a pair of shorts. I was embarrassed because I didn't know how to explain that I'll never be able to wear shorts again. I did that once already and look where it got me."

Taking a deep breath, he pulls me so I'm cradled on his lap. "Oh, my Bella. It's going to be okay. I will make it okay." Edward rocks back and forth a bit and runs his one hand up and down my back. I feel physically and emotionally drained and make it known to Edward with a yawn. "Why don't you lay down for a bit? I'll wake you when dinner is ready."

I agree and moments later my head hits the pillow. It doesn't take long for me to drift off right into a nightmare.

"_Bella you're no good for me. Stay away from me." Edward yells and pushes me away. Crying I turn to go to Alice, but every single Cullen retreated so I can't reach them. No, this isn't happening again. _

"_Just go and die, Bella! You are a fuck up. We don't want you. No one wants you!" I whip around and see that it was Charlie who said it. My heart broke. My own father was confirming what I already knew; I wasn't worth the dirt on his shoe._

_But no matter what I felt, I didn't want them to feel this way. I wanted to feel loved, wanted, cherished._

_They all started to walk away._

"_No! Don't leave me please. I'm sorry. I'm SORRY!"_

I wake up thrashing and sobbing. I can vaguely hear Edward in the room trying to calm me. The crying gets so intense I feel sick. I jump out of the bed and make it to the toilet just in time to empty the contents of my stomach. I'm shaking hard and breathing erratically; I'm smack in the middle of a massive panic attack. And I have witnesses. Humiliation, fury, self-loathing, frustration; I feel all of these and more.

"Jasper!" I hear someone cry out in the distance.

I don't know how much time has passed before I hear my angel's voice full of anguish. "Carlisle, please do something."

Someone's hands, I think Edward's, are on my upper arms holding me still and soon after I feel a slight pinch. Drowsiness sets in and I open my eyes to look in the broken eyes of Edward's. My nightmare echoes in my head as I remember the disgust and hate in everyone's faces. Knowing I put it there, I whisper as the sedative Carlisle administered takes over my consciousness.

"I'm sorry."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Here's another update lovelies! Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Thank you xxxKittyMasenxxx, love ya to bits!**

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**CHAPTER 12**

I start to come out from the blanket of unconsciousness, but my head is a little fuzzy. What the hell happened? Movement out of the corner of my eye startles me and I jump slightly.

"Bella? It's okay sweetheart." I feel a cool hand on my forehead as if someone is checking my temperature.

Blinking a few times to clear my head and vision I look around the room. Someone, presumably Edward, had laid me in the middle of the big bed. Right now he was sitting just beside me, Carlisle was kneeling beside the bed, and Emmett was standing in the doorway. All three had tense expressions like they didn't know what to expect. And it was my fault.

Going to sit up both Edward and Carlisle sprang into action to help me up gently. They were making a fuss, fluffing the pillows behind me. Once I was semi-upright, I decided to deal with this head on.

"What happened?" My voice was slightly raspy.

Edward holds my hand and speaks up first. "You woke up in a panic attack. It escalated and Carlisle had to sedate you."

Leaning my head back I focus on the ceiling, trying to figure out how to handle this. Obviously part of my 'secret' wasn't so secret anymore. Do I tell Carlisle everything? Do I tell him anything? Or should I just bite the bullet and sit the whole family down? Dormant fears rise to the surface coupled with my most recent nightmare.

There was an internal battle going on—stay quiet vs. Tell everyone—and God knows which side would rise victoriously. Okay, I had to remove emotions for a second and just look at facts. So far both Edward and Emmett know everything; not only are they still okay with me, but they are now my self-appointed protectors. Carlisle knows about my panic attack, and all I see from him is concern. Granted, he doesn't know these are a regular occurrence, but I could only hope he, as well as the rest of the family, wouldn't hate me once I divulged my past.

Taking a sideways glance at Carlisle, his expression full of compassion and fatherly love helps cement my decision. I will go ahead and bite the bullet; no more dragging it out.

Bringing my head back down, I keep my gaze on the linked fingers in my lap.

"Could I speak to Edward privately for a moment?"

"Of course Bella." Carlisle kisses my head before walking out the door.

"Emmett?" I catch him before he goes downstairs as well. "Can you get the family together?" My voice trembles slightly with anxiety and fear.

Emmett comes over to the bed and sits on the opposite side of Edward, taking my other hand. "Are you sure B?" God love him for knowing exactly what's going to happen and make sure I'm really okay with it.

"Yeah." I nod. "I think it needs to be done."

"Okay then. I'll be right beside you through the whole thing." Standing, he kisses my head the same as Carlisle and is out of the room. Now only Edward and I are left.

Edward moves so he's sitting in the middle of the bed with me and leans against the pillows. I take the opportunity to lay my head on his shoulder, as we sit in the peace and quiet. I know it won't last though; it won't last long at all.

"I'm so proud of you, love." Edward speaks softly into the silence. "I know you didn't want everyone to know so soon, but I think this might be a good thing. And just remember you won't be alone; Emmett and I will support you every step of the way." He kisses my hair, then lays his head on top of mine.

The logical part of my brain acknowledges this and agrees this is probably for the best. And yet doubts dance around my head. I guess I'll keep wondering 'what if' until it's done and over with.

Deciding not to delay it any longer, I take a few deep breaths to calm and center myself. Edward's off the bed before I even move and he holds out his hand in support.

The whole way down the stairs I gave myself a pep talk. _You can do this. You're not alone. The nightmares won't come true, they love you. You can do this Bella, you really can._

Trudging into the living room I see Emmett has managed to gather everyone. Carlisle and Esme occupy the loveseat, Jasper is seated in an overstuffed chair with Alice on his lap, and Rosalie is in the other chair. Emmett is the only one on the couch, and he's at the end closest to Rose. I go to sit beside Emmett and Edward situates himself on the other side of me.

Looking around at my family, I can only hope this will go ... somewhat okay.

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**A/N: Next up, let's see what the family has to say about Bella's past!**

**P.S. Who saw Breaking Dawn Pt. 2? I absolutely loved it!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Here it is! The family finally finds out...**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer**

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**CHAPTER 13**

"Emmett said you had something you wanted to tell the family, Bella." Carlisle smiled warmly.

"Yeah. I, umm ... I'm sorry, I really don't know where to start." I stuttered.

"It's okay Bella. Take your time." Carlisle encouraged.

I cuddled into Edward's side and held Emmett's hand. I knew they would give me the strength to do this, because at the moment I wasn't feeling anything remotely related to strength.

"Well ... when you all left I ..." _Deep breath_. "I didn't really know how to handle it." My voice was nothing but a whisper. I didn't want to divulge this information, but knew I had to press on. Keeping my eyes down, I continued.

"I was in a pretty bad place and I resorted to ... some ... unhealthy things." _Come on Bella, just breathe. In, out, in, out .It's now or never._

"It was about a month after you had left. I hadn't really eaten or slept. I just went through the motions; not paying attention to anything or anyone, I was just ... existing. One night, I got sick of it and did something about it." _Deep breath_. "I don't even remember walking to the bathroom, the next thing I knew I was cutting my leg with a razor blade."

I could hear the gasps of the family. Chancing it, I glanced up. Yeah, bad decision. Every single one of them had an expression of muted horror or disbelief. Poor Jasper was weighted down with it all.

Carlisle was the first to recover. "Bella, how deep did you cut?" Ah, ever the physician. There was pain in his voice with my revelation, but his priorities went straight to my old injuries.

"Not very deep, most were superficial." Emmett gave my hand a light squeeze making me glance up at him. I could see the sadness in his eyes that my story brought him but he gave me an encouraging smile nonetheless.

"If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take a look at them later to see how they have healed." Carlisle continues.

I nod my head. "Yeah, sure."

Alice pipes up next. "That's why you didn't want to try on the shorts."

I nod, grimacing while remembering being a bitch to her.

"Bella, I'm so sorry." Her voice quivers. My gaze shot straight to her.

"No, don't bring this on yourself. I'm the one that did this. I'm the one that has to deal with the consequences. And one of those consequences is telling you and explaining everything that's going on with me."

"What do you mean 'everything that's going on'? Is there more?" Alice looks a little panicky, almost like she's afraid of what I'm going to say next but I'm quick to reassure her.

"I struggle with depression and anxiety. That's what happened earlier, I had a panic attack. That's been happening quite a bit lately, unfortunately."

As much as I hated for them to know these tidbits as well, they packed less of a punch than the self-harm.

"Bella, how long did you do this? Is it still happening?" Esme speaks softly. Everyone waits with baited breath; if it was possible at that moment I truly believe a few of them would be in danger of heart failure.

"No, I don't do it anymore." And they release their breaths in barely audible sighs. "I only did it a handful of times long before you came back." Their relief is palpable, and I'm glad I can at least give them this.

"I'm glad sweetheart." Esme smiles, albeit a bit sadly. "You know we love you, right?"

I nod and give a small smile in return. "I love you guys too. And I'm sorry for causing you grief."

"Bella, it's a coping mechanism that is increasing in popularity used for dealing with a difficult or painful experience. You obviously couldn't talk about us or why we had to leave with anyone, so this was your way of dealing with what you were going through physically, emotionally, and even mentally. We don't fault you for that. We just wish you didn't have a reason to resort to it in the first place." Carlisle ends his speech with a grimace.

I didn't really know what to say to that. On one hand I didn't want them to feel blame for something I did. But on the other hand, I knew at least a few, if not all, of them would put the blame on themselves regardless of what I said or did. I decide to let it go for now and move on.

"Well, I just want to warn everyone. Things haven't been good for the last few days so I'm sorry if I disturb you."

"Haven't been good in what way?" Carlisle questions. I can see the wheels turning in his head, going over our conversation and trying to figure out where this is going.

I save him the trouble and answer. "I mentioned that I had a panic attack earlier. The anxiety is really kicking my ass right now, and I'm having attacks frequently. That's why Emmett brought me home from school early on Friday, and why I woke up so upset. I have a feeling they might calm down now, but I can't be sure."

Carlisle continues with the questions. "Do you know why they were so prevalent?"

I give half a shrug. "Yes and no. I felt like I had to tell you guys about all of this and I was really nervous about how you all would react. I don't know if that was all or not." Suddenly I'm hit with an important memory. "Oh yeah. And Friday when Emmett brought me home it was because of psychology class. Lauren said something about how people use cutting for attention and pity. The fact that she was talking about it in such a public place set me off."

"So wait." Rose speaks up for the first time. "Emmett knew before today?" She clarifies.

I nod.

"How did he find out?"

The rest of the Cullen's, besides Edward, look curious as well.

"The night you all went hunting and Emmett stayed with me I wore shorts to sleep in. The blanket was moved in my sleep and he saw the scars, woke me up and confronted me about them. I'm sorry Rose, I didn't mean for him to keep a secret from you but I wasn't ready or in the right frame of mind to tell other people yet. Edward didn't even know until yesterday." They look surprised and a bit shocked.

"It's fine Bella, really. I'm not mad, I was just curious." Rose is quick to assure me.

The room is silent, and I'm hoping that all lines of questioning are finished; this has been emotionally draining. But now that they know, I surprisingly feel at peace for the first time in a long while.

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**A/N: So what do you think? **

**As always, a big thank you to xxxKittyMasenxxx, you make my words make sense :)**

**Thanks also to the readers and reviewers; I love to see what you all have to say in the reviews and I'm sorry if I've missed replying to you! I do try to keep on top of that :)**

**Until next time!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Here ya go readers! See you at the bottom :)**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer**

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**CHAPTER 14**

I made my way up to Carlisle's office with Edward beside me and Carlisle behind us. Since he wanted to check the scars, I bit the bullet and figured what the hell; no time like the present. Once inside I took a seat on the familiar examining table. Carlisle stood in front of me and Edward stayed close, but far enough away to create an illusion of privacy.

"Alright, can I take a look?" Carlisle asked.

I shrugged and gingerly pulled my pant legs up.

"Do you mind if I touch your legs, Bella?"

"No that's fine." The sentence sounds wobbly coming out of my mouth.

Starting with my right leg, Carlisle gently manipulates my skin to see how the scars react to the slight stretching. Once he finishes with the left leg, he releases it and steps back so I can pull my pant legs back down. Edward takes that as a cue to come over and join us.

"Well Bella, the scars have healed well. They are also thin enough that they should be barely noticeable."

I nod. "Thank you Carlisle."

"Before you go, would you mind if I discuss something with you?"

I glance at Edward who shrugs, so I nod once again.

"I was wondering about your depression and anxiety. I assume you're not on any medication for it?"

After seeing me shake my head in response he continues. "How do you feel about going on a low dose of Cipralex? It treats both depression and anxiety."

I thought about it for a minute. _Yeah, the depression isn't that bad anymore, but the anxiety sometimes takes over my life. Why not do something about it? There's nothing I can lose at this point._

"Sure, I'd like to do that."

"Alright, how about I start you on 10mg of Cipralex and we'll go from there?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

He gives me a small smile. "I'll pick up your prescription tomorrow."

Jumping down from the table, I give Carlisle a hug. "Thank you," I whisper.

"Not a problem, Bella. You're my daughter; I would do anything for you." _And cue the tears._

This makes me squeeze harder, but eventually I pull back and give him a watery smile.

"Why don't you go rest before dinner? You've had a trying day." He suggests.

"Okay. Thanks again Carlisle. I couldn't ask for a better family." Smiling, he sends me on my way.

I decide to go along with Carlisle's suggestion and guide Edward to his room. I really need some time just to the two of us after what went down this afternoon. It was nice to know that the family didn't hate me and that they were behind me through my recovery. But still, I just need time with Edward to relax ... and maybe talk for a while.

After changing into a pair of yoga pants and a comfy long-sleeved shirt, I crawl on top of the comforter into Edward's arms. He pulls a blanket over me so I don't get cold laying against him.

"How are you feeling about everything?" He says softly.

I sigh. "Okay, I guess. I'm glad they don't think badly of me."

"Bella, they could never think badly of you. You're part of this family which means they love you unconditionally."

I go quiet for a while. When I finally speak again I think I manage to startle him a bit.

"Edward, do you think I'm weak?"

I can hear the confusion in his tone. "What are you talking about, Bella?"

"Do you think I'm weak for agreeing to take the medication?"

Understanding dawns on his face. "No, I don't think you're weak. Depression and anxiety are illnesses and the medication will help you. What if, God forbid, you had cancer? Would you think you were weak for having chemo?"

"No." I say softly.

"It's the same thing, love. It's there to help you. And if you need someone to talk to I will be here, and so will the rest of the family. They just want to see you better."

Once again there are tears in my eyes. I was never this emotional before all of this and it bugs me that I can cry at the drop of a hat now. Edward can see that I'm upset and pulls my closer to him in a hug.

"Sweetheart, I wish you didn't have to deal with this. I wish I could take this away for you. But I will do anything in my power to help. I love you."

"I love you too, Edward." Stretching, I kiss the only place I can reach, his chin.

"Why don't you see if you can sleep? You haven't had very many restful nights lately. I'll wake you when your dinner is ready."

"Okay, thanks love."

The last thing that runs through my mind before I drift off using Edward as a pillow is that, no matter if it's restful or not, I don't think I've slept so much in my life.

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**A/N: Hope you liked it! Thanks to xxxKittyMasenxxx who puts up with my sorry ass!**

**Thank you also to the readers and reviewers, you make my day! **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I know, I know, I suck. As you may have noticed I deleted the last few chapters and I re-wrote this one. It didn't feel right going the way it was. See ya at the bottom, and hope you enjoy!**

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**CHAPTER 15**

I keep my eyes closed as I slowly gain consciousness. Listening to the sounds of the family, smelling the cooking from downstairs, feeling the love around me, I could almost convince myself that it's just a normal day. But then I remember what I had confessed to the whole family just this afternoon. No, it's not a normal day. But on the bright side, from everyone's reactions and words I know they are going to be with me every step of the way. After so many months of harboring this secret, I finally have my loving family giving me the support need.

"Love, are you awake?"

Opening my eyes I turn to look at Edward, who looks a little pensive. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah babe, I'm fine." I give him a smile. Stretching, I ask him the time.

"It's just past 5. Esme said your dinner will be another 15 minutes. Would you like to lay here for a few minutes or go ahead downstairs?"

Although I would like to spend time alone with Edward, where I'm not dead to the world, I feel like I can't spend any more time in bed. "I'm going to go freshen up and then we can head downstairs." I'm interrupted by a yawn. "Damn, I don't know why I'm so tired."

"Bella, with the past few days you've had, I'm not surprised that you're exhausted. You're drained mentally and emotionally, and the panic attacks and anxiety are taking a toll on your body physically as well. Hopefully the medication Carlisle gets will help you sleep better, too." He kisses my forehead.

"Yeah." I mumble on my way to the bathroom. A short few minutes later, Edward and I once again make our way down the stairs to join the family. Thankfully, no one mentions this afternoon and they include me as if nothing happened. I'm glad for this because even though I've physically and mentally rested since then, I know I wouldn't be able to handle much more today.

Taking a seat I talk to the girls while the boys play god-knows-what video game until Esme brings a plate of food in to me.

"Oh, Esme why didn't you tell me it was ready? I could've come out to the table."

"Nonsense, Bella. Have a seat and eat."

Deciding it was best to do what Esme said and not argue with her, I ate – very carefully – while spending time with the Cullen's. I loved just sitting and watching them interact as a family. Sometimes they were fucking crazy, but they loved and supported each other like nobody's business. I felt so grateful and blessed to call these people family.

Pulling myself out of my head, I saw Jasper giving me a look, as if to ask if I was okay. Nodding and slightly smiling, I could see his posture relax a tiny bit. Not that Jasper did much relaxing; that man was a soldier through and through.

After finishing my supper and washing my plate, I got a drink of water. Unfortunately, not only did it go down the wrong hole, but since I was in a house full of vampires they could all hear me coughing and choking. Edward raced in followed quickly by Carlisle.

"I'm fine," I wheezed out between coughs. "Wrong hole."

Even though everyone was tense, I could hear a snicker from the other room. Trust Emmett to turn a choking incident into a dirty joke.

Finally regaining my composure and taking a drink without complication, Emmett sauntered in. "Oh, Bells, what are we gonna do with ya? Pretty soon you'll be spouting off dirtier things than I say!"

"Shut up, ass." God he was a child sometimes, but I loved him; I could never deny that.

He grins widely. "Oh young Padawan, you have far to go."

This gets us all laughing as we go back to join the rest of the family. Esme makes sure I'm alright before she allows me to join the rest of the _kids_.

We had fun talking, joking, and playing games until I got a call from Charlie on my cell.

"Hey Dad, what's up?"

"_Not much, Bells. I just wanted to know when you were planning on coming home tonight?"_

Fuck me. This weekend went by so fast I didn't even realize it was Sunday evening!

"Umm, I'll be leaving here in an hour, maybe?" I look at Edward and he nods.

"_Alright kiddo. I'm still at the station finishing paperwork, but I'll see you soon. Be careful."_

"Always am." I grin as I hear him grunt.

"_Yeah, in what universe,"_ he mumbles so quietly I barely hear him. But of course everyone else does and I hear snickers around the room. _"And Bells, that's my line."_ He quips before hanging up.

After getting my stuff together and bringing it back down with me, I spend a little more time with everyone before it's time for me to leave.

"Bye Bella, I'll see you tomorrow." I get a hug from Rose.

"Belly! Have a good sleep, love ya." Emmett practically crushes me. "And if you need anything ..." He whispers in my ear. I give him a smile; ever the protective giant.

"Have a good night, Bella. See you in the morning." Jasper's hug is gentler than Emmett's, which I'm grateful for. I love the big lug, but I can only handle so many bone-crushing, lung-emptying hugs.

"Bella, make sure you wear the purple shirt you bought last week, bootcut jeans, and your black biker jacket." Alice makes sure she bestows fashion advice before I leave the property. "I'll see you tomorrow! I love you!" She squeezes me before letting me go on to the next person.

"Bella, have a good day tomorrow, honey. Come over whenever you can." I get a hug and sweet smile from Esme.

"I'll have your prescription tomorrow. Do you want to come to the house to get it, or would you rather Edward bring it to you?" Carlisle asks.

"Umm, I'll come to the house if that's alright."

"Of course." Carlisle gives me a hug in parting as well. "Have a good day at school, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks guys. I'll see you later."

I couldn't get over how accepting they were, and how quickly they wanted to help. The Cullen's were truly extraordinary people and I knew that, with their help, everything would be okay. I would make it through this valley, things would get better, and we would be a happy family once again. And if I got my way, it would stay like that forever.

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**A/N: The End! Yes, this is the final chapter for these characters. This was truly an enlightening experience, as it was my first journey into writing fanfic. Had so much fun with it, and thank you for joining me on this ride! A huge thank you to xxxKittyMasenxxx. Love ya girl, don't know what I would do with you! And thanks to all the readers, reviewers, followers, etc. Love you all! And again, thank you :)**


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